Ya gotta have soul...not heartache.

A small essay for all my unmarried sisters out there – those I know, and those I don’t, those I’ve met and those I haven’t. Those who have found themselves, find themselves or are at risk of finding themselves in this rather precarious state of affairs.

What state of affairs you ask?

Well, the one where you delude yourself in to believing that you have found your soulmate, and all that need happen now is for the stars to align, (with some gentle prodding, ahem) and you will be on your way to eternal wedded bliss (or cohabitation, depending on your approach to committed affairs of the heart.)

Please, I beg of you, do not take this personally. It is not intended to be a slight of you, or to suggest that you are somehow less of a human being, pathetic or undeserving – quite the contrary, in fact. Nor is it intended to suggest that I am some all knowing, omnipotent goddess who has never treaded in to these dangerous woods. Finally, this is not to dissuade you from investing yourself in to another person – or in to finding your ‘soulmate’. But this is a subject I have been contemplating for some time from a number of lenses – personal, cultural, educational and I feel now, having observed and reflected on this situation, that it is incumbent on me to share what I have learned.

Deep breath.

If he’s married, engaged to, dating or sleeping with someone else and you, he is NOT your soulmate. I don’t care how great your conversations are, how he can “see inside you”, knows you better than you know yourself or shares your unique fascination with post-perestroika Russian literature – this relationship is circling the proverbial bowl. Flush it and be done.

If you are routinely “strategically placing” yourself in places where you know he’s likely to be, and you are likely not to be, and he has yet to recognize this and act on it, he is NOT your soulmate. For example “Oh hi Ellen, wow, you must really like curling, this is the 7th time in a month, well gotta go and meet my team for beers.” Stop. Spend your time doing something you actually enjoy and increases your chances of meeting someone who enjoys those same things and what the hell – enjoys you too!

If you’ve been together for 7 years and you have been clear about your desire to get married and he hasn’t proposed. He isn’t going to. I propose to you that he is NOT your soulmate and you might be better off investing your time building a more perfect union with yourself than with a dude who’s not investing in you.

If he only calls you between the hours of 12 and 4 am and he’s not a cab driver, trucker or a shift worker. He is NOT your soulmate. It’s a booty call. Take that booty to someone who wants more than the call.

If he never calls, or never returns your calls, hang up on this one, he ain’t hung up on you. NOT your soulmate.

Squirming and seeking ways to avoid talking to you, i.e. – staring over your head as though he is looking for someone else does not mean that he’s had a bad day or his mind is pre-occupied with that thing he has to do later or he’s nervous. It means he’s trying to avoid talking to you and NOT your soulmate. Eject yourself from this conversation and go find someone who’s interested in what you have to say and not the EXIT sign over your head.

If he has an unnaturally close relationship with his ex-girlfriend; one that’s eerily closer than the one you and he have, sweetheart, he is NOT your soulmate he’s hers (whether he knows it or not and whether she agrees with it or not).
If he has an unnaturally bad relationship with his ex-girlfriend, you know like the one that’s prevented him from bringing you to family gatherings even though you’ve been dating for a year, the same one that makes him unable to commit to more than one night a week. You guessed it, NOT your soulmate.

If he has an unnaturally close (read: weird) relationship with his guy friend, his mother, his old University professor or his work colleague, well you just have to trust your spidey senses and ask yourself....do I even want this guy to be my soulmate? NOT.

If everything would be perfect but that one little thing, or maybe one or two little things, like the way he does that thing, or that thing that he never does, or that thing that he always does. There’s a reason why you’re fixated on that one little thing, and it’s not going to change. Stop trying to change him. He is NOT your soulmate.

Well, now that I have angered about 95% of you and invited what I am going to guess will be stinging criticism of my observations, I have to say these comments were intended with the best of intentions. You see, I’ve watched so many friends waste their time pumping their potential, energy and resources in to empty vessels that are never going to set sail.

I understand, all too well, that affairs of the heart are complex and require much more thoughtful consideration than you think I have given them, but these my friends aren’t affairs of the heart, they’re travesties of the heart. It doesn’t require much more thoughtful consideration than this – if the other person in the relationship isn’t thoughtfully considering you, then you need to be considerate of yourself and consider the relationship, real or hopeful, over.